February 04, 2011

Automatically Awful

If there is one invention of mankind that I hate it has got to be automatic things. Excluding automatic cars of course because let’s face it, I am not coordinated enough to drive a manual car.

What I’m talking about is unnecessarily advanced technology being applied to the most simple of devices. Do doors really need to open automatically? I can understand at a grocery store when you are pushing a cart through the door. But most of the time, automatic doors waste more of my time than they save for me.

When I’m walking into a store I reach for the door by default so I can control the environment around me in order to let myself inside. I have been conditioned since I was a small child to understand that opening a door allows me to access whatever mysterious place lies behind it.

But, for some reason, this menial task must have been voted too complicated by technology people. In order to simplify the chore of door opening, they thought a great solution would be to complicate it further.

Now when I’m trying to enter a building, I reach for automatic doors like a lunatic as they open for me like I just used the Force on their ass. What’s that? You’re an airbender? Well that’s cool, I guess. Though, I don’t know if you’ve heard that I am a door bender. Start getting jealous.

So, while I’m out door bending all the doors I see, I will occasionally run into an old school model door that wasn’t designed to yield to my powers. And yet again I look like a crazy person, pausing for five seconds or so waiting for something to happen. Nothing happens. I see the word “PUSH.” Instantly feel stupid.

Anyways, the automatic device I despise the most has to be automatically flushing toilets. The top of the line toilets that have freaking laser beam sensors in the public restroom which is stocked with cheap, one-atom-thick toilet paper made of knives. There I am, minding my own business, getting down to business.

When suddenly, toilet says, “Guess what! You’re done!” And I have a heart attack and die.

Honestly, I don’t know what kind of germs they are really trying to save me from by having the toilet flush automatically. I always press the lever with my foot anyways. That’s right. Wash your hands from now on. That’s my shoe on your hand. Do you know where my shoe has been? On the floor of the public restroom.

Speaking of which, that’s what I’m going to be encountering anyways when I have a heart attack and die on the floor. So I see no real improvement in sanitation to the public restroom with these automatic toilets. Does it really matter? Really? A few germs? You should be washing your hands immediately afterwards anyways.

Oh, wait, that’s right.

The sinks are automatic too.


  1. So sometimes, if it cannot be avoided, I need to use the restroom at my university. One day, I decide to go use the bathroom. I see that the door is held open. Thinking that it must have been propped open for some reason, as sometimes doors are, I walk towards the door, not knowing any different.

    SUDDENLY - halfway through the arch of acceptance to the room, it closes and hits me on the back of my shoes, making my shoe come off.

    I glare at the door, put my shoe back on, and then do my business. After the exhausting task of automatic sinks and automatic hand dyers, I make my way towards the door, which had just opened up - automatically, I might add - for some sweet old lady before me.

    Just as I am about to reach the exit - THE DOOR SHUTS.


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